This Blog started as a project for a class for college. I had every intention of keeping it up, but kind of lost it for awhile. Now, I am a single father of 2 boys who is still in college, but due to downsizing has moved away from business and is now working towards becoming a teacher! This will contain my thoughts and progress as I work to realize an old dream!
I am stressed the fuck out......big surprise there. I feel like it is all I ever write about. You know me, you know I am actually a pretty laid back dude, but also there is an undercurrent of aggro constantly waiting to rear it's ugly head. I practice zazen to help me stay present moment and focused. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hesitate to express how I am feeling, both good and bad. I think sometimes I take the good for granted. Shit, it's easy to accept life when you are rolling along and all is fine. I don't need to write to get things off my chest when I am happy, it's when I am getting my ass kicked that I need to write......so I share my latest thoughts and wish you all much peace and happiness in 2010 and beyond!
So here I am, it's fucking late.... I can't sleep.....my brain hurts..I feel like my head is gonna is explode....my meditations lead to more stress and realizations that my life may not be where I want it right now, but I am strangely at peace with it. It makes no sense to me. I can feel the stress all through my body. It puts me on edge and obviously is not healthy, but I don't care. When I sit for zazen and just empty my head, all kinds of hell bombard me relentlessly. This is what I hear in my head: I suck as a: father, a friend, a son, a brother, a student, etc,etc,etc..... So the weird thing is that I hear all this bullshit running through my head and it stresses me out yet I really don't care. I know I am far from perfect, yet my boys are lucky to have me as their father. My love for them far exceeds any love I have ever felt. When I sit back and watch them interact with each other and how well they get along and how even though they fight like brothers, the compassion they show to one another and the obvious deep love and affection they have for each other is a direct reflection of me. This drives me to suceed and keeps me sane all while everything feels like it is going to hell around me. I don't know what has changed deep within me to allow me to be stressed the fuck out while at the same time be at peace, but whatever it is, I can only hope that I can keep it channeled and draw from it when I feel that all too familiar pull of anger, depression and despair that I have all too often been feeling as of late.
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days, and Much Love,
Namaste!
Shing
12/09
Okay, at the risk of being ridiculed, I am gonna admit something that I am pretty sure I publicly admitted before in a drunken state. I, Shing aka Shing-Daddy aka The Daddy aka Kid ChokeOut aka The Duke of Shing aka Sir Stab-a-lot aka Fucko the Clown aka, well you get the idea. I have a man-crush. Now I am in no way attracted physically to this man, but if I could be one person for week or seven, I would choose this person. This man is the great Matt Skiba.
Dude just writes some serious good music and lyrics. I have been inspired both good and bad by his genius. There are so many songs of his own or Alkaline Trio's or from Heavens that I can relate to, that its crazy.
Not too many people can write a song about a serial killer talking to his latest victim and make it almost sound like a love song. The song is called "Counting" by Heavens, which is one of his side projects. Great music. Anyway, besides maybe Tiger Woods, Skiba is one dude I would change places with for awhile. And, hell yes I would still wanna trade places with Tiger. Brother-man just needs to be left the hell alone. He didn't live up to the morals of somebody else, big fucking deal. He is a human being with faults just like anyone else. Those that are without fault can sit back and judge. Oh wait there is no one out there like that. So leave the fucking guy alone!
Now where was I....oh yeah Skiba is my man-crush and I am man enough to admit it.
While I am at it, I might as well destroy any street cred that I have left. You know who else I would change places with for a few days? Whenever I admit this to myself I die a little inside. Okay, may as well get it over with.....Justin Timberlake. Oh man, that's hard to admit, but hear me out. Dude has tons of money for making bad music, has his choice of women, gets to be on SNL, nailed Britney when she was still just slutty, not slutty and crazy like she is now and he probably is a cool dude to hang out with. Shit, I would trade places just for the unlimited tee times at Pebble Beach alone. So there it is, go ahead laugh at me, but how many of you Now are thinking to yourself, "You know what? Shing is right!" That's right, admit it bitches, I am right. So there, I don't feel any better after admitting that last part, but I am man enough to stand up and admit it. That's all for now, I think. Oh wait, i really like tacos. Seriously, is there a better food out there? Nope! Ok now i am done.....i think....yep....i am done....Peace....
In case you did not realize it, I really like music.
My tastes are pretty wide ranging. Anyone who follows me on twitter or facebook knows that lately my tastes have been angry ones. I covered some of my love of hip hop in a previous posting and my love of punk and hardcore is well known. This posting is gonna cover some of my love for female singers. I thought of this topic while listening to one of the greatest bands of all time, the Throwing Muses, the other night. This reminded me of a conversation I had with a good friend a couple of months ago. I was sharing my love of great music when of course I got to the part of music greatness known as the Throwing Muses.
Quick history for the uninformed. The Muses were formed by half sisters Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donnelly back in the late 80s. Known for their aggressive, but very melodic songs, they came from the same genre as The Pixies.
Anyway, I was recommending music to her and the muses along with Kristin Hersh's solo stuff and Tanya Donnelly's solo work and work with Belly were included. This led to Ani Difranco, the Breeders, Poe, Veruca Salt, The Gits, early Hole(before Courtney Love became a complete douche), Liz Phair, PJ Harvey, Luscious Jackson, Sneaker Pimps, Lush, and of course the great Tori Amos(who by the way was Chancey's favorite, RIP Bro!) and probably more that I have forgotten at this moment.
All was well in our music discussion until my good friend said this about Kristin Hersh: "yeah she's ok, kind of like Jewel" Ok, at this point it took all the nonviolence zen training that I have had not to drive to her house and punch her in the ovaries. She may as well insulted my children. Comparing the genius of Kristen Hersh to Jewel is blasphemy. Now there is nothing wrong with Jewel. She is talented in her own way, but she couldn't write anything close to what Kristin does and to say otherwise is pure insanity.
All this being said, I still love my friend. She does have pretty good taste in music and I guess I can cut her a break this time.
To sum up: I love Kristin Hersh, Tanya Donnelly and the Throwing Muses. They are in my humble opinion, one of the greatest musical acts of all time and deserve way more praise and acclaim than they get. I can name many times in my life, both good times and rough times, during which either the Muses or Kristin were the soundtrack that kept me flying high or picked me up when I was down. Kristin is continuing to make some great music today and it is all being funded by fans. This gives her the freedom to create the music she wants to create and not be under the thumb of a record label. I am proud to call myself one of her "Strangels"! Go to http://www.kristinhersh.com and http://www.cashmusic.com and show some love and support.
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days and Much Love.....Namaste!
Shing 12/09
Xmas thoughts
Xmas and the holidays in general have really just sucked for me lately. The reasons for this are pretty obvious, if you have read any of my previous posts. Major life changes have made them just a little tougher to deal with. I try and put up a good facade for the monkeys, but until recently I have been pretty unsuccessful. This week has reaffirmed my love for the holidays and I owe it to my monkeys.
Monday I took them to see Ho Ho (that's Santa, in case you couldn't figure that out on your own). It was great just watching how excited they were. Jax saw Santa and immediately took off in a sprint and tried to tackle him. They both had huge smiles the whole time. Santa asked them if they had been good and of course they said yes. Then he asked me if these were the same kids who had trouble going to bed at times, I laughed and said yes and they both kind of looked at each other were like how did he know that. It was classic. Then of course the excitement turned to pretzels and we went home.
Today was Xmas party day at both of the monkey's schools. 1st up in the morning was Jax's preschool. They sang some songs and then we decorated a Gingerbread House together. We used what seemed like a gallon of icing to put on lollipops and licorice and m&ms and whatever else he could put on there. It was fun and Jax really enjoyed it. Next up was Brody's school for a visit. Once again Jax was really excited that he was gonna see Brody's school. We got there in time to go to Brody's art class. Jax sat there all proud and Brody was happy to have us there. Jax was the highlight of the day and all the girls loved him. He is such a little flirt. I need to take him out with me. He is a chick magnet. We got to hang out for the rest of the school day. Jax showed off his color naming and counting to ten abilities. He was so proud to be able to get into line and walk down the hall with the big kids. It was quite funny. Brody was being the good big bro that he always is, by introducing him to everyone and sharing his treats.
So as Xmas eve is upon us, I am finding a renewed hope and attitude that all is gonna be just fine and as usual I owe it to the monkeys.
By the way, rumor has it that I am getting Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for PS3 from the monkeys! Woo hoo, I rule!!!
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days and Happy Holidays to you all! Namaste!
Shing 12/09
I was gonna save this for my own little treasure chest of anger, but I felt pretty good after writing it, so I decided to publish it. This is how I get things off my chest and is my own brand of therapy. It's all for me. Long Ashes, Good Karma and Stabby days to you! Shing 12/09
Drain away
Fuck me, I am..
Feeling all the pain
A constant drain
Need to find my way out
Out from under all the misery
You bring to me
Need to break free
From the oppression
That fuels my depression
That drags me Down
Down To depths of darkness
That no man should ever see
Maybe I should let it all drain away
Empty my heart of this pain
I gave all I could give
Had it all taken
Getting nothing in return
Fuck u And what u have made me become
U always had me under your thumb
I am breaking free.....
From the tyranny of pain
Makes me want to kill myself
Then maybe I can find some relief
Empty my heart and let it drain away
I have had all I can take
Leaving me wanting to scream
Fuck u, u fucking cunt
But...........
There is nothing left for me to say
Time to let the blood sweat and tears all drain away
I am fucking done
I hate coming up with titles to my posts, hence the title of this post. I really have only been happy with one of my titles and that was Who Wants a Beating?, that was pure brilliance. But normally they suck. Plus this title will keep anyone away who is easily offended. The easily offended suck!
Last night I was driving behind a truck that had a sticker of a confederate flag with the words "my heritage = your ignorance". My immediate thoughts were this: I will respect your right to put that sticker on your truck, but you better fucking respect my right to then run you off the road and beat you with a fucking 2x4 for being an asshole.
There is no justification for that flag. This country is about freedom and that flag represents oppression and suppression of freedom. So that being said, I respect your freedom to fly it, but expect me to do all i can to suppress your freedom with a fucking bat, you ignorant fuck!
It's too bad I am against violence. Some people just need beatings.
So, during my alone time with my brain, I finally determined the perfect woman for me. After months of scientific testing and research, I came to this answer: My ideal woman is Barbie. Wait, hear me out. We would have to add a vagina of course, but here is why. 1st, she is always happy. 2nd, she likes pets, so I could have puppies and kitties. 3rd, she has to have crazy money. I mean, she has all those cars and multiple houses and shit. She could be my sugar momma while I finish school. I would gladly drive a pink corvette or jeep, if I had unlimited funds to buy cigars and any other cool shit that I wanted. So, there you go, I need to marry Barbie. My thinking is flawless and cannot be disputed. It could work, now I just need to set up like in Weird Science to make it work. Let the mad scientist shit begin!
Rage, misery and stabby, oh my! Rage, fueling my days and nights. My trigger is quick right now. I know the cause and am trying to overcome it, but still struggling with it. The issue is that my monkeys are feeling the brunt of it sometimes. I am quicker to punish them when they misbehave or don't listen. But they are 3 and 6, they aren't gonna listen all the time and they are gonna act up. It's that my patience is running low right now. Not fair to them and I am fighting to make sure that I keep it to a minimum.
Misery, a great fucking song by Gallows, I completely feel it. I am at my core, a happy and positive person, but I am also not running away from those feelings of sadness and anger and facing them head on to try and over come and stay happy and even.
Stabby, I feel it, not only daily, but at times, hourly also. It has become synonymous with focus. My focus is sharp as ever, just not always in the right place.
To sum up: marry Barbie, try not to kick the shit out of the next person who crosses me, love misery as much as she loves me, stay stabby in the right way and have some tacos. I love tacos.
Good Karma, Long Ashes and Stabbily Aggro days to you all!
Shing
12/09
I've been M.I.A. There are many reasons for this. I am working most nights now(just at Target, unloading trucks and stocking shelves, not rocket surgery, but bringing in some much needed cash), school is kicking my ass, the stresses of trying to sell a house and move on in my life, have all just made me go into my shell a little bit. I do that when I am feeling overwhelmed. I have to conserve my energy for the boys and keep those little monkeys smiling and happy! They are happy for the most part, moving is an adventure for them. I get asked every day about the house getting sold, so they can live with my parents with me while I finish school. I am just feeling beat down, black and blue and kicked in the head.
Every time I sit down to write, whether it be for this blog, for the cigar sites I do reviews for or for school, I start and then just go, awwwww fuck it. So, I am hoping this kick starts me again and I can get back to being Shing and being stabby.
I am currently hooked on some Asian punk and psychobilly bands. I don't always know what the hell they are saying, but the music is kick ass. Battle of Ninjamanz from Japan, Chaos of Society from Thailand and Brain Failure from Beijing, China are three that really have me geeked. It's great music and I recommend you check them out.
I saw Boondock Saints 2 the other night. What a great movie! And the company I kept while seeing it was pretty outstanding too! Clifton Collins, Jr.'s character pretty much made the movie. If you don't know him, you should check out his IMDB page and see some of his flicks, he is great and a good homie! It had some great gratuitous violence and also some good laughs. "Ding Dong Motherfuckers!!! Ding! Dong!" Classic line in a classic part of the movie! You need to see this movie!
As I write this, I am smoking an Illusione Cuchillos Cubanos 47. Does Dion make a bad cigar? If he does, I haven't found one yet and I have tried everything he has made so far. I think the Nosotros is gonna be outstanding and I can't wait to get my hands on them when they come out!
If I was only able to smoke the Illusione cg4, Tatuaje Black, the Room 101, CAO La Traviata and Man 'O War Ruination for the rest of my life, I would be one happy mofo! I am glad I get to try so many good cigars, either by my own doing or from fellow BOTLs. I am blessed to be part of the cigar world!
This has gone on long enough for now. I have a lot more to say, but am getting that awwwww fuck it feeling, so I will cut it for now. Long Ashes, Good Karma and Stabbily Aggro days to you all!
It's a nice Tuesday evening and i am out enjoying a cigar and a beer. My house went on the market yesterday and we already have our first showing tonight. While I have been pretty much at peace with the house stuff up to this point. Today has me stressed and a little aggro. It's all becoming real. I must admit that I am not as at peace with it as I originally thought. Some old stomped down and buried feelings of anger and resentment are showing their evil heads. I want so bad to just let it go and move on. But for some reason, it just won't go away. I have said all I can say and done all I can do, yet there is some deep attachment to the house. I don't feel like it is a physical attachment, but a spiritual one. Fuck, I can always get another house, but the memories of the boys as they have taken their 1st steps and said their 1st words and smiled their 1st smiles, all those types of things are what is digging into my mind and soul and causing me to suffer. Suffering is caused by our attachment to things, both physical and emotional and if we are truly to find peace, we need to let go of all attachment. I want to let go of the physical aspects of the last 8 years, but not the emotional aspects. Well, not the emotional aspects that have to do with the boys. The other shit can just go to hell, I have suffered enough due to that. So, how do I balance the great memories that while making me happy, also cause pain and suffering with the realization that one more chapter of my life is coming to an end? I am really feeling lost and alone and forgotten. I take refuge in the light of my sons' love for me and I know damn well that should be enough, but it is a temporary refuge. When they are not with me, the darkness returns and I fight and struggle some more. I guess I live to fight another day and will continue to do so. If not me, for them!
Peace
Shing 11/09
I have been running so many things through my mind that I wanted to put down on paper or here in the blog. Everytime I think, "Hey! It's time to write about (insert topic here)" something else comes up and then I say screw it, I am not writing right now. Well, that only works for so long and then I become a jumbled mess and that filter in my brain that is supposed to screen what comes out, kind of disappears and then shit gets really crazy. Well, I have a couple things that I need to get off my chest and if I don't do it now, who the hell knows where I will go.
1st, last night the realtor came over and we signed the papers to sell the house. Surprisingly, I am pretty much at peace with it. There are a couple things that are bugging me, but overall, it's all good. The monkeys are taking it really well. I don't think all the consequences have set in with them and probably won't for awhile. It is kind of a new adventure to them, so that's good. I will be ever vigilant with them though, to ensure that if they do have any issues, I am there 1000% and help them through it. I love my monkeys. Even when one of them comes downstairs at 11pm when he was supposed to be sleeping and has his entire head covered in diaper rash cream. Then we spend the next 10 minutes in the shower, trying to get it all out. It's been two days, multiple showers and we almost got it all out! He was trying to spike up his mohawk, it works, just not exactly the best thing to use. They are definitely my children!!
2nd.....never mind. I am done for now. My brain needs a break. Peace
I am back with another posting after another night of no sleep. Yep, you guessed, boring!! Who really cares about it? No one, especially me, so we are gonna ride out on a topic that has been running around my brain and reinforced by my man Big Slim! Thanks Mike, you help keep me flowing! In the midst of my 50+ hour range of no sleep, I had a great time watching Def Jam get honored on the VH1 Hip Hop Honors. It is a honor well deserved. Def Jam, as a label, has done more for hip hop than any other label out there! There have been some good labels, but Def Jam didn't bring hip hop to the mainstream, it made the mainstream come to it and play by its rules. I can remember my very 1st hip hop album was Raising Hell by Run DMC, followed by the Beastie Boys and then I was on my way. The great thing about this show, was how as each artist came out and performed, it was like reliving great moments in my past. I was tripping the whole time and just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it did!(well with the exception of Ja Rule and Ashanti....they suck!!IMHO) I hadn't been that moved or hyped since THE GOAT, Big Daddy Kane was honored a couple of years ago. That show was packed with powerhouses from start to finish, but Kane, Set It Off and just took over the whole show. That's the BIg Daddy I always remembered and I still get goose bumbs when I think of the performance, it was fucking insane!!! That was how this show was from start to finish. Seeing DJ Scratch perform again was sick! Quick Side Note: I saw EPMD perform live at Philly Convention Center in like 1992 with my boys Jack, E-Double and Bubble Gum. EPMD was touring with Chubb Rock and opening for Big Daddy Kane. Well, at one point during the EPMD set, they let DJ Scratch go off and just start cutting for like 5 minutes.....he cut, not missing a beat while taking his shirt off; he cut, without missing a beat, while putting his shirt back on; he cut, without missing a beat while walking up the wall behind until he was almost upside down and still did not miss a beat!!!! I remember me and Jack and Doug and Bubble Gum all looking at each other and saying no fucking way was this real, this has to be dubbed....then it happened: as he walked back down the wall, he slipped and missed a cut, all we heard was FUCK! and then he picked it right back up!!! Then we knew we were watching greatness and it was almost too much to handle.
It was sickness beyond sick and we were blessed to be there that night. So, hip-hop, along with punk and metal and jazz and blues and classical music have all had impacts on my life and can change my mood and transport me back to a particular time in my life. Play me some Gangstarr or Eric B and Rakim and I am either back in KC hanging with my boy Jon or back in PA in DJ Butterfinga's basement chilling, drinking and making beats or just watching him practice his skills. That's when hip-hop was real and you had lyricists out there actually saying something over some phat beats instead of 99% of the crap that followed. You could sit back and nod your head and chill and at some point, you would have a moment where you all said "Damn, he did not just say that! or Damn he did not just rhyme those words!" I miss that. Motherfuckers boasted as they always have, but these cats had the game to back it up. This is getting long so I am gonna cut it now, I have much more to talk about when it comes to music, but we will tackle that soon enough. I will leave you with a list of artists that if you don't know them, you are missing out on some good music. These are the people who shaped my love for Hip Hop: Run-DMC, Beastie Boys, Eric B. and Rakim, Big Daddy Kane, EPMD, ICE-T, Easy-E, NWA, Slick Rick, De La Soul, Stetsasonic, Gangstarr, Audio Two, Public Enemy, KRS-ONE, Boogie Down Productions, Brand Nubian, Grand Puba, Main Source, Jungle Brothers, Tribe Called Quest....that's just the start! Peace
I just ended an interesting odyssey. From 4pm Monday afternoon until about 1am last night, I basically didn't sleep. I had a 30 minute power nap on Tuesday morning and a couple hours of tossing and turning Wednesday morning. 57 hours! I did it all without the help of caffeine or drugs or anything. I was running on pure rage, on pure love, on pure fucking uncut aggro-fueled desire and......FUCK! I have writer's block! Sometimes if I just keep writing I get past it, so here we go. This may make no sense, but I am gonna keep writing. Feel free to tune me out at anytime, but I must warn you, that you may miss out on something so utterly fucking brilliant, that your life will be just a little bit poorer without it. Does that sound a little bragadocious? Why the fuck did my font just change? Where the hell did bragadocious come from?
I love punk music and good hip-hop and Chuck Mangione. What? Did I just type that? What the hell? Fine, it's true, Chuck is good punk rock, hip-hop, adult contemporary, death metal and pimpin' all rolled up into one smooth pimp daddy sound! Wow, I feel dirty, but fuck it. Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah......
I was running on pure rage, on pure love, on pure fucking uncut aggro-fueled desire and I hate this fucking font......This is much better. Now, where the fuck was I?
I was running on pure rage, on pure love, on pure fucking uncut aggro-fueled desire and untethered honesty. I saw myself in my purest form. I laughed like a motherfucker while shedding tears of absolute sadness. I loved myself while utterly loathing who I have become. I saw the universe and it was my image in a mirror staring back at me. Have you ever taken the time to really look and dig deep inside of your mind, heart and soul? You should, it's scary as hell, but also very liberating, if and it's a big IF (i know so few people who can actually be themselves, they don't have the stones to do it, too worried about how they are viewed by others) you sit and don't judge what you see and what you learn. It's not easy, I spend 50% of time not judging and 50% of the time being my own harshest critic. But those lucid moments when you don't judge can be fucking beautiful. I was gonna spend this post talking about music that moved me during my little sleepless adventure, but somehow got off on this tangent, so I am gonna cut it now.
I want to send a quick shout of peace to new friends, old friends and friends that need to find some. You know who you are. Peace
Damn, it's been 24 hours since I wrote my last blog post. It's 2am on a Wednesday and "here I am, R-A-W, a terrorist, here to bring trouble to"….But I am getting ahead of myself, we'll get back to Raw in a bit. Right now, I am still awake, still kicking, still clawing and scratching and brawling and moving forward,, backward, sideways, all ways. Other than a 30 minute power nap before getting the monkeys off to school this morning, I am without sleep. I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Earlier this evening, I asked a good friend how much longer she thought I could go without sleep and not move from partially insane to completely insane. She recommended I go to bed then, but that was five hours ago and I am still going. The words have been flowing from mind to the paper and I got some good shit done for school and now I am writing for me. Sleep will kick my ass when it's ready so here I am.
What is better for me? No sleep, delirium and anger or sleep and anger. I am leaning towards the former, but we shall see what works. I am feeling fucking good right now. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can hold me back. I feel like a big fucking supernova in deep space destroying everything in my path before of course I collapse into myself and become a black hole, and the big suck. Maybe not a good metaphor, now that I read it, but fuck it, you know what I mean.
(Side note: Michio Kaku and Stephen Hawking are my favorite Theoretical Physicists. If you don't know who they are, you better ask somebody, because they are brilliant and wrote some of my favorite books of all time. My favorite Astrophysicist you ask?….Amy Mainzer and no it's not just because she is hot. It's because she is brilliant and hot and sexy. If you don't know who she is, you better really go ask somebody! Go ahead, go! I will wait….see told ya!)
Back to where I was going before I distracted myself with a horrible metaphor for feeling good and ready to take on the world. How the hell did I start feeling better, at least temporarily? Well, there are some great BOTLs (Brothers of the Leaf) out there who know how to make a fool like me laugh. I have some good friends that continue to try and pick me up and drag me back to life. My monkeys give the best hugs and kisses. At bedtime I give them what we call a dream kiss. I pick some superheroes or cartoon characters or dinosaurs or sharks, whatever they are into that day and after I pick some of these items for them to dream about, I seal it with a kiss to the forehead, so they can have dreams about the things they like. Tonight, after they each got theirs, I was about to walk out the bedroom when Jax called me back and said he wanted to give me a dream kiss. So, he proceeded to tell me I was gonna dream about The Wonder Pets, Sharks, Batman, Spiderman, Cigars(damn that kid knows me) and pizza and then he gave me one of his sweet little kisses on the forehead. I damn near cried. Fuck, I am tearing up now as I write this. These are tears of happiness, not tears of anger or fear or sadness. These I can deal with easily, the rest can kiss my ass. Once again, the monkeys have reminded me how great I have it even when I hurt deep inside.
You may be asking yourself, so that's it? All the aggro and fucking fucks and all that shit is gone, just like that? My answer is yes and no. Yes I feel better; yes I was able to smile like a motherfucker tonight. Yes I am still aggro. No I am not all happiness and rainbows and unicorns and shit. I am moving forward and trying to keep a positive spin on some shit and letting it happen. Also, I was inspired musically tonight. No, it wasn't due to my boy Jose's embarrassing and mind-numbing revelations on his blog (His blog is called Life's Indulgences and there is link to it on the left side of the page. I recommend you check it out. It's quite good and humorous and I guarantee you will enjoy it). Sorry Jose, but my musical influence that had me smiling tonight and all hyped up and jacked and ready to go is hip-hop related and I briefly touched on it at the beginning of this post. But, this has gotten way longer than I planned, so I am gonna save that for tomorrow night's post which is guaranteed to be a fucking blockbuster because I will either being going on two days with no sleep, which should be interesting (my record is 46 hours straight, back when I worked 3rd shift and the weekend started at 7 am on a Friday morning and didn't end until sometime on Sunday) or I will be semi-rested and maybe more coherent. So until next time….Namaste my friends. Or as ODB would say, "Peace bitches!"
So here I am. It's 2am on a Tuesday morning and I am coming to what I hope is the end of two of the most aggro days that I can remember in a long time. Some people may be saying, well just what the hell do you mean aggro? Well aggro can mean many things: it can mean anger. It can mean aggressiveness. It can mean excitement. It can mean trouble. It can be described as threatening behavior. It can mean that a person is horny. It can even mean love. It can also mean: “I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW THAT I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM, CRY AND CHOKE MOTHERFUCKERS OUT ALL AT THE SAME TIME!” For me, aggro means all of the above. Sometimes I am aggro and that just means that I am ready to tackle the day and have some fun. But, the last couple days have been “100%, FULL-ON, GONNA HAND OUT SOME BEATINGS, SUPER-MEGA, BRING IT ON MOTHERFUCKERS AGGRO!”
After hours of introspection I still have no clue as to why I have been feeling this way. I am sure it is a number of things, all just deciding to crash in on my psyche all at once. I should just sit back and let it go and come back stronger as I usually do. That would be the easy thing to do. I could just pretend that everything is super neato-burrito happy and smile and nod be the “hap-hap-happiest asshole since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Fucking Kaye!” I could do that. I could also sit in zazen and not judge and not chase what is bothering me. I could just let it arise in front of me and then say “whoa, that’s fucked up!” But, I have tried all that already. I have smiled and nodded and done my best to ensure everyone else around me is happy and that they know how important they are to me or how they have had a positive impact on my life, etc, etc, etc. Now I am not diminishing those things, because they are an important part of my life and who I am. But, that stuff just isn’t working right now.
So, what the hell do I do? Do I go out and take a walk around campus or the neighborhood and just hand out random beatings? Right now, it does sound enticing; even with my dislike of violence for violence sake. I enjoy the violence of sport (mma, rugby, football, and boxing). I enjoy violence in movies and video games, especially if it is over-the-top. But, the everyday violence in the street, the violence against women and children, that sickens me. It sickens me to the point where I can get physically ill. So, with all that being said, handing out beatings probably isn’t an option I want to take. Hell, I have even tried the “combat jack”, which usually helps, but that isn’t cutting it either. Smoking cigars, drinking a beer or some Jamaican rum, watching my monkeys play, Zazen, Tai Chi Chuan, Muay Thai, listening to music, even playing games or watching movies; none of it has gotten me out of this foul mood.
What to do now? Well, I can tell you that I think I am starting to come out of this funk of aggro. I had a good friend reach out and offer an ear to listen. I spent a great deal of time talking with an acquaintance, who has now become more of what I would call a friend. I had a couple other friends remind me of some things that I was blind to, because of the aggro standing in my way. Most importantly, I had my monkeys give me their unconditional love even though Daddy has been a pain in the ass the last couple days. These are all positive moves in the right direction for me. Now I am still feeling aggro, but not AGGRO!!! So, I will continue doing the things I do best and the things I do every day to try and stay sane. Hopefully, that will take me in the right direction and this too shall pass. If not, walk the other way if you see me coming. Or if you are brave, walk up and give me a hug. It may be exactly what I need. Peace
It’s 4am and this sucks, so I write to try and soothe my battered soul. These are my thoughts: So this it! I am done. I am done trying to put a positive spin on my life and where I am headed and where I am. I hate my life. I hate myself. I love my sons with all my heart. I am sick and tired of being lonely. I am sick and tired of feeling beaten down and defeated. So, I am gonna embrace the dark side. I am gonna take it all; the darkness in my mind, heart and soul and embrace it. I am gonna confront it head on and see what direction it takes me. I already feel as though the darkness that envelopes me day and night is impenetrable, so why not just accept it. It is part of who I am and maybe I am not strong enough to fight it off anymore. I am done being Mr. Nice Guy. I am done deflecting the negativity in my soul onto other places. I am ready for the battle that is gonna rage deep inside of me. I am ready to be done with it one way or another. I am sure that there is a ton of goodness inside of me, but I am done looking for it and forcing it to the front. I am just tired and lonely and sick of it all. Peace to everyone else out there, I am not gonna find my own for awhile. Peace
So here we are three years later. For those that don’t know, a life was tragically cut short three years ago today. A great father, friend, husband, son, brother, just a great man, Chancey James Smith passed away three years ago today. I was debating whether I wanted to write today. What is there to be said about Chance that hasn’t already been said? He had and still has a big impact on many people’s lives. His goofy smile and usually a step-behind wit made everyone around him smile and laugh. He died doing something that we all have done even though we know the risks. He had too much to drink and then got behind the wheel. Took a road he had driven a thousand times before, but this time, that little kink in the road jumped up and bit him. I think maybe that not many people who claim that they love Chancey learned from what happened to him. I am not claiming to be innocent of doing it myself since he died, but I think I need to give it more thought. I got to spend a little time with Little Chancey this past Saturday and man is he just like his Dad. He has some of the same mannerisms already and he has that goofy Chancey smile. He is turning into a great little guy and his Dad would be proud of him! This got me thinking about my own kids and what they would have to go through if I died. It’s a thought process I have been through many times, but this time it resonated a little bit more. I realized that if I go out and get trashed and then get behind the wheel, not only would I be putting myself at risk, but also my kids. Plus, it is quite frankly an insult to Chancey’s memory if I do that. We always need to find a positive in the negative things that happen in our lives. Chancey’s death was an unfortunate and tragic reminder that the things we do, not only impact us, but also the people that love us. I for one, pledge to ensure that I don’t take the unnecessary risks involved in drinking and driving and ensure that people learn from Chancey and honor his memory in doing so. Chancey, my brother, I miss you, I love you and may you never be forgotten! Rest in peace my friend.
Warning: This blog posting is not for the faint of heart! If you are easily offended, then back away and get out while you can! You have been warned!
So I am back and full of more shit than ever. It’s been awhile since I wrote for myself, so I got some things to get off my chest. This may end up sounding like a bit of a bitch session, but I will try to avoid it. It has just been awhile since I spoke freely to anyone else besides my own damaged brain. But, even if it does sound like a bitch session, I don’t fucking care. So let’s get started and see where we go. I have a ton of anger, resentment, violence, hate, regret, coldness, love, compassion, happiness, smiles, hugs, laughter, sympathy, empathy, and warmness all battling for supremacy in mind and heart. It’s like an old school bar brawl where instead of guns and knives, it’s just fists, feet, chairs and bottles and the shit is flying. Half the fucking time, I don’t know which direction to go or which direction I want to go. The other half of the time, I am either asleep, have my head buried in a book, playing with my monkeys or doing zazen. Did I mention, I am still fully committed to my Buddhist practices? I am, I dutifully sit for zazen twice a day and continue to study the great texts and great teachers. The ironic thing is that I probably wouldn’t be so conflicted if I gave up the practice. It’s during my time sitting that all the shit pops up. I obviously have some unresolved issues, but I am not going to chase them. I will let them come to me when they are damn well ready.
An open letter to anyone? To someone? I don’t fucking know!: To whom it may concern, Fuck you and everything you represent. My tolerance for disrespect and dishonesty and ignorance has reached its limit. I am one honest motherfucker, almost to a fault. I think my words out carefully, but you know damn well that when I speak, I speak from the heart and with absolute openness. If you cannot handle that, then fuck off and leave me the fuck alone. If you are trying to take away from me, my dignity, my freedom, my love of life; bring it because you have a fucking war on your hands and I will not be denied or defeated. I may be one big walking hypocrisy wrapped in sincerity, but at least I fucking admit who I am. So, go fuck yourself, whoever you may be! Love, Paul p.s. Karma is a motherfucker!
I am getting a little lightheaded writing this. I am not sure if it is because some weight is being lifted off my shoulders or I am about to pop an embolism. Either way, I am cool with it. As long I still have my monkeys, my cigars and can laugh at myself and my friends, then everything else is just a bonus. If I do fall over after writing this, give my love to everyone who dislikes me and then as Bobby Knight once said, “Bury me facedown, so that all my critics can always look down and kiss my ass!” I still have a lot to say, but this has gone on long enough for now. If you are still reading this, then thank you for spending a few minutes inside my tortured mind. If you are not still reading this, well, how do I put this? Oh yes, go fuck your mother! Seriously, I have nothing but love for everyone, even those who don’t love me back. I am pretty much at peace with who I am and where I am going. I just need to unleash from time to time because it makes me laugh and if you can’t laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at? Besides midgets, midgets are just funny! Peace!
After some deep soul searching last night and this morning, I have a response to my last blog. It's really quite simple and I am a little pissed at myself for not realizing it earlier. Fuck that light at the end of the tunnel. The truth I am seeking is buried deep inside of me. I just have to find it. Looking for the light at the end of tunnel and forgetting the here and now is complete bullshit. All the feelings I have been experiencing the last few days are just that, feelings. They come and go and yet here I am still strong as ever and ready to take on everything this illusion we call life has to throw at me. Who is gonna make a fucking difference? I am. Who is gonna go out and get what I want? I am. Who is gonna take the weight of the world and throw it aside? I am. Fuck all this negativity that I have allowed myself to get wrapped up in. Fuck the pain. Fuck the suffering. Fuck the unhappiness. Fuck the sorrow. Fuck the longing for what I can't have. Fuck the anger and desperation. Fuck me. As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I fear no evil. Do you know why? Because I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley and nothing is gonna stop me from being me and enjoying my life. So, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool. Peace I am out of here. Seriously though, I got nothing but love for everyone whether they want it or not. I am through fucking around and my peace is mine and mine to share with the universe. Thanks to my friends, new and old, past and present, loved and unloved. FUCK!
Lately, I have written about nothing but pain and suffering and my own personal experiences with each. You know there is supposed to be a reason for it all. Whether it is some bad karma that I gathered in a past life or it's just a test to see how much I can handle. There is always supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that shines bright and when you see that light, you know that everything will be ok and you can have some hope that there will be a happy ending to the story. What I didn't realize and maybe I was just being naïve or blind, but what I didn't realize is that the light can be there and then suddenly disappear and you are left in the dark once again. That is how I feel right now. I was thinking that the light was there, I could see it, I could feel it's warmth and I was almost there and wham, it was gone and I was left fumbling around in the dark, thinking that I can't take anymore of the darkness and what do I do now? I want to find that light again, I want to climb out of the darkness and be blinded by that light. I am lost once again. I have to regroup and gather myself up and battle back once again. They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That normally applies only in a physical sense. But, can it apply in a mental or emotional sense also? Do I climb back out stronger than ever before or do I stay in the dark and stumble around regretting the things I have done and the things I have experienced? I am at a crossroads; I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am the only one who can take on that burden. I have so much to share, so much to give and when I finally find the light and can share and give all that I am capable of, and then I will be complete. For now I will keep fighting forward, have no regrets, live each day and then when I see the light again, I will be that much stronger and have even more to share and give. It's dark where I live right now, but I will find a way out.
I have been a practicing Buddhist for a little over a year now. I am not yet fully immersed into the Buddhist way of life. I still enjoy the occasional cigar and a beer or 2(well sometimes 12) and I eat meat. I really like using the word fuck. I have many faults, but that is okay. I am trying to find peace and let go of the desires and anger and resentment that has been building up over the last 35 years. I am happy to an extent. I have my sons that bring me joy every time I think of them or spend time with them. I have some very good friends that support me even when I am down and pissed off at the world. I sometimes think that my insane quest for the ultimate happiness may be my one biggest downfalls because I when I put faith into people and they let me down, it affects me way too much. But, I digress; this is about my practice and the difficulties I am encountering. I meditate every day. I am seeking oneness of my mind, body and soul with the universe. My first forays into the meditative aspects of Buddhism were scary to say the least. I often found myself being bombarded with all the negativity that I had generated or that surrounded me during various times throughout my life. I always tried to acknowledge it and let it pass and come back to the center. This worked well for me. I became at peace with many aspects of my life that were troubling me. As my practice progressed and I got deeper into the Vipassanà practice and I evolved into loving-kindness meditation, I was really feeling at peace because I could start to allow myself to forgive those that had hurt me in the past and welcome their presence back into my soul whether they knew it or not. I felt like I was giving back to the universe and especially those I deeply care about or love and things were going right in my world. I then started to get too attached to the need to practice that meditation and focused too much on my feelings and not enough on the practice itself. I wanted to spread good karma, but it was just as much for my own gratification as it was for the betterment of the people in my life. I lost sight of the true calling of my practice and that was to abandon the attachments of gratification and instead generate the good karma for the betterment of the universe. Now, I find myself in such a dark place when I hit the mat that I am getting frustrated that I can't let it all go. My heart, my soul and my mind are dark, dark, even dangerous places that I fear going to every time I go to meditate. I am in such a constant struggle to acknowledge and let go that I fear at times, I may be going even more insane than I already am. My meditations have turned into a place where I beat myself up for my failings as a son, father, husband, and friend instead of a time where I acknowledge my faults and accept that they made me into the man I am today. I know deep in my heart, soul and mind that I am a good father, son and friend. I was a good husband for the most part, but those days are gone. I am seeking out those places deep inside so I can regain the peace I was starting to feel. Then I can let go of the negativity that is ruling my thoughts right now and be the positive influence that I have been and am destined to be. A big part of my attempts to regain that peace are through my writings. I have been at it non-stop for days trying to get it all out, hoping that it can cleanse my mind and soul of all that is killing me inside. I think it is working, but it is a work in progress and I must be patient. I share some of my writings because I know there are other people out there suffering as well and I hope that they can take some solace in knowing they are not alone. I just want to say fuck it and be at peace.
So, today is Chancey's B-day. The big dummy would have been 36. It is hard to put into words sometimes the effect that someone can have on you and others. Chancey lit up any room that he walked into. If you were lucky enough to be able to call him your friend, then your life was much better off for it. He made everyone feel as though they were the only person in the room when he talked to you. His focus was on the person he was talking too and not off in the distance. This was true whether he knew you for 20 minutes or 20 years. He was a larger than life human being and though I know he struggled with that burden from time to time, I know that he enjoyed that persona. Those that were closest to Chance can attest to the true human being that he was. He juggled father, husband, son, brother, uncle and friend better than anyone I have ever known. His light still shines as bright now as it ever did. I miss him, as I am sure plenty of others do. Those who know me, know how I feel. There is a song by Pennywise called Bro-Hymn. It is a tribute to friends still here and those that are gone. It spells out the brotherhood that some of us had with Chancey better than I ever could, so I will share it here. In honor of Chance, from the TPC, Wagon, Ja, Fish, Todd, Fat Bob and anyone else that knew him the way we did.
BRO-HYMN by Pennywise
To our best friends, Present past and beyond Even though they weren't with us too long Your life is the most precious thing that we could lose While you were here the fun was never ending Laugh a minute only the beginning Chancey James Smith this one's for you
Ever get the feeling you can't go on Just remember whose side it is that you're on You've got friends with you till the end If you're ever in a tough situation we'll be there with no hesitation Brotherhood's our rule that cannot bend When you're feeling too close to the bottom You know who it is you can count on Someone will pick you up again we can conquer anything together All of us are bonded forever if you die I die that's the way it is - Pennywise
Music has always been a huge part of my life. I can hear certain songs and be immediately taken back to the time when I first heard them and what was going on in my life and why this particular song sticks in my mind. I also find that there will be a song or two from that same album that now hits me and resonates in my soul. I was really hitting on some old Good Riddance this weekend. They have been one of my favorite bands since I first heard them on Fat Wreck in like '98. So, this weekend it was the final live performance Remain in Memory that was nonstop in my head, on my computer, in my car, everywhere. There is one song that really sticks out and touches my soul now because of my current life situation and as some of you know, when it really hits me, I like to share. This song is one of those songs. So with much love and respect to Russ and the rest of Good Riddance:
THINK OF ME I never knew how good I had it I had to treat you like a habit it became what I'd guess you call a slight obsession now I've had some time to work it out way too much time to be without the one I've wanted you're my right direction
when you're back there do you think of me when you're alone before you sleep you are the one I'm waiting for this time's not like before I'm going to carry you away
thinking good things now I know we'll work it out somehow I try to keep my chin up but it's so hard to let you go it never hurt before to be alone now your voice is salvation on the phone I only wish you weren't so far away -Good Riddance
Great FN song, Great FN band, the way I FN feel. If only I could let go of the longing and the desire, then maybe I could find some peace!
It’s been awhile since I have written anything and I have like 3.7 million thoughts, ideas, rants, profanity-laced tirades, notes, entries, dreams, visions, and observations bouncing around in my cluttered mind. Some that make me laugh, some that piss me off, some the make me nostalgic, some that make me wanna cry, some that make me feel all warm and fuzzy and some that quite frankly scare the hell out of me! Where to start, where to end, what to share, what to keep locked up in the deep, dark places in my mind that would probably drive most normal people insane. I have always written for myself first and foremost, so this will be no different, but I also can be a little egomaniacal and want some praise or criticism and I share my thoughts also because I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way and it is nice to know that I am not the only insane person in the world. So, ‘F’ it, let’s just write and see where it goes.
Why is it that my inner voice uses the word fuck every other or every couple words? I mean, if I am being honest, it is one of my favorite words. I can use it with the best of them and very poetically when I am so inclined. Yet, I feel as though it is not accepted well in most contexts. That irritates me a little bit because the word is the epitome of life. Life is very beautiful, while at the same time very ugly. Life is a very positive experience, while at the same time, a very negative experience. I am a very positive person, but if I didn’t acknowledge negativity and dismiss it as just another experience, I would be lying to myself and living a life of delusion, which in the long run leads to misery and helplessness.
When I look at the world today and all the people from all walks of life and the way they are mistreated on a daily basis, it not only brings out feelings of empathy and sympathy, but it fucking pissed me off! The good that is done every day is overlooked and taken for granted, while the misery and everything that is wrong in this world is overshadowing all else. I believe that the misery and evil in society needs to be reported, studied and overcome, but the good that is innately born into human beings needs to have at very least equal standing and should be studied and celebrated. When you take for granted the good in people and believe that you are deserving of it and don’t appreciate it, then you are losing your own humanity. I am gonna treat you as all human beings should be treated regardless of how you treat me, but you better believe that in this life or the next, your loss of your own humanity is gonna come back and punch you in the face and then maybe you will understand why you exist.
Why the ‘F’ am 0 for 3 with women since my wife decided she wanted to separate? All three flaked at the last minute when we were supposed to go out. I spent the first two or three months, wallowing in my own misery and feeling sorry for me and doing all I could to get my wife back. Then I finally hit my limit and said no more, I am moving the ‘F’ on and continuing to do what is right by my boys and do what is right for me. In the time since, I have developed an even closer friendship with someone who means a great deal to me and maybe something will develop in the future with us, but we both have obstacles to overcome before that will happen. In the meantime, I have had three women that I met and got to know either online or on the phone and then when it came time to actually go out, they flaked, disappeared and/or stopped talking to me altogether. Now, I don’t really care that they decided that they didn’t want to go out. (I really only wanna be with my “sweet momma”! She makes me smile every day and some day we will explore each other more.) I guess I was talking to others out of loneliness and the need for some attention. What bugs me is the way it was handled. It was ‘FN’ rude and disrespectful and I did nothing to deserve to be treated in that manner and I don’t understand it. I have learned through the years that honesty and integrity are very important traits to have. I am by no means perfect, but my life is an open fucking book and I am honest to a fault anymore and I deserve some fucking respect. So, fuck it, I am over it. The people who matter the most to me, treat me right and I do the same to them, so I take my Fukitol and move on. Karma can be a motherfucker, so give it some thought and be pure in your actions when you deal with others!
I am very fortunate to have some very close friends in my life, some from long ago that have returned and some that never left and some new. I have the O.G.’s: Little Arnold, Orca, Mr. Nookie, Benny, Alkie, Gigalo. The K.C. O.G.’s: Ryan, Ja Eckles, Mac, Andy, Scott. My people: Ja, Lawn Swan, Squeaky Cheeks, Joel, Wagon, Travis, Russ, Noah, Dawn, Stef, Marcela and of course my closest friend Michele. I feel very blessed and fortunate to have so many good people in my life.
I think everyone would agree with me in that we all have a duality in our personality. There is the side you show those close in your life and the side that you show to those in your life that are acquaintances and maybe even a third side you show to strangers. I have also have had those dual personalities. I think you can ask anyone who is close to me that when they first met me, i came off as quiet and maybe a little intimidating, even arrogant. But once they got to know me they saw the true me, which is compassionate, funny, caring and intelligent. I have been described as a big teddy bear. I don't mind being called that at all. Also, I believe that every person has a side to them that can be described as dark and sometimes scary. I know I have that side and I guess when I talk about duality, I am talking about the good in people and the darkness in people. Events in people's lives can shape which said they show and which side they let dominate their lives. Over the past five and a half years, events have changed me that have showed both sides of me. The births of my sons definitely brought out the good side in me. It made me more compassionate and made me not just a Dad, but one damn good Dad! But, at the same time, I was ready to snap the neck of anyone who I felt was a danger to my boys, a natural albeit extreme reaction guided by the need to protect those close to me. Two years ago, one of my best friends killed himself in a car wreck. Yes, it was an accident, but let's be honest, he was not happy and was using unhealthy outlets trying to achieve that happiness and the use of these outlets ultimately led to him putting himself in a dangerous position and this led to his death. This close friend was also the twin brother of my wife. So, I had two grieving people to deal with, me and her and by ignoring my own grief and focusing on her, I ultimately led myself down a path that almost caused me to break down mentally and physically. This led to the dark side of my personality coming out in that I shut out everyone with the exception of my sons. Six or Seven months ago, after in reality a year and a half or better of struggles and mistakes made on both sides, my wife told me she wanted to seperate. Now I was at that crossroads again, which side of my personality was gonna come out. Well since I still had not faced the dark side of me and banished it away, it came to the surface again. I went back into that protective shell regarding my sons and looked at most people as the enemy and they felt my wrath. During this time I also connected with an old friend who I hadn't spoke to in years and found someone who was going through or had gone through some of the stuff that I currently was. This person has become my best friend and we joke that we are our own little support group. It was also at this time that I was fully immersing myself in Buddhism. I began to read more and meditate more and learn more about the Buddha's teachings. I found a teacher by the name of Noah Levine whose story and teachings inspired me and made me look even deeper at myself. It's taken many hours of meditation and many hours of insight into self to bring me where I am today. I still have the duality of personality. My dark side is alive and well. The difference now is that I acknowledge it and control it. When I feel anger, I acknowledge it and dismiss it. When I feel sorrow, I acknowledge it and dismiss it. When I feel compassion or happiness or any number of other positive feelings. I acknowledge them and instead of dismissing them , I try and focus that positive energy on others who may need it. I am by far, nowhere near to perfect and anger and negativity still get the best of me sometimes, but those times are becoming less and less. I am becoming more comfortable with who I have become and what the future may hold for me. So, bumps in the road are just that, bumps in the road. Walls put up to stop me from achieving what I want to achieve are being knocked down. I am currently practicing loving-kindness meditation. I can tell you that while I may falter and let the stresses and disappointments in life get to me from time to time, that I will never lose my positive attitude and outlook on life. Duality of my personality, I am happy, compassionate and loving, but don't take that for weakness because as someone I know once said, I fear no evil, because I am the baddest motherfucker in this place and I have all the happiness and compassion in the world to back me up! So, if you read this far and even if you haven't, I wish nothing but happiness and positivity in your life and every life hereafter.
Ok, it's been almost a year since I have updated my blog. Things in my life have changed. I am now seperated from my wife, but we are still sharing the house because the economy sucks and I am trying to finish this damn degree, so I can start teaching and buy the house from her. It's a little awkward at times with both of us here, but as long as we can stay civil and keep the boys happy, we will do it. My two monkeys are now 5 1/2 and 2 1/2 and cute as hell. So, I will use the blog to share my thoughts and update my progress and sometimes just vent . Let's get started!
Posts
