I am done......

It’s 4am and this sucks, so I write to try and soothe my battered soul. These are my thoughts: So this it! I am done. I am done trying to put a positive spin on my life and where I am headed and where I am. I hate my life. I hate myself. I love my sons with all my heart. I am sick and tired of being lonely. I am sick and tired of feeling beaten down and defeated. So, I am gonna embrace the dark side. I am gonna take it all; the darkness in my mind, heart and soul and embrace it. I am gonna confront it head on and see what direction it takes me. I already feel as though the darkness that envelopes me day and night is impenetrable, so why not just accept it. It is part of who I am and maybe I am not strong enough to fight it off anymore. I am done being Mr. Nice Guy. I am done deflecting the negativity in my soul onto other places. I am ready for the battle that is gonna rage deep inside of me. I am ready to be done with it one way or another. I am sure that there is a ton of goodness inside of me, but I am done looking for it and forcing it to the front. I am just tired and lonely and sick of it all. Peace to everyone else out there, I am not gonna find my own for awhile. Peace

Shing 09/28/09

Chancey, Three Years Later

So here we are three years later. For those that don’t know, a life was tragically cut short three years ago today. A great father, friend, husband, son, brother, just a great man, Chancey James Smith passed away three years ago today.
I was debating whether I wanted to write today. What is there to be said about Chance that hasn’t already been said? He had and still has a big impact on many people’s lives. His goofy smile and usually a step-behind wit made everyone around him smile and laugh. He died doing something that we all have done even though we know the risks. He had too much to drink and then got behind the wheel. Took a road he had driven a thousand times before, but this time, that little kink in the road jumped up and bit him. I think maybe that not many people who claim that they love Chancey learned from what happened to him. I am not claiming to be innocent of doing it myself since he died, but I think I need to give it more thought.
I got to spend a little time with Little Chancey this past Saturday and man is he just like his Dad. He has some of the same mannerisms already and he has that goofy Chancey smile. He is turning into a great little guy and his Dad would be proud of him!
This got me thinking about my own kids and what they would have to go through if I died. It’s a thought process I have been through many times, but this time it resonated a little bit more. I realized that if I go out and get trashed and then get behind the wheel, not only would I be putting myself at risk, but also my kids. Plus, it is quite frankly an insult to Chancey’s memory if I do that. We always need to find a positive in the negative things that happen in our lives. Chancey’s death was an unfortunate and tragic reminder that the things we do, not only impact us, but also the people that love us. I for one, pledge to ensure that I don’t take the unnecessary risks involved in drinking and driving and ensure that people learn from Chancey and honor his memory in doing so.
Chancey, my brother, I miss you, I love you and may you never be forgotten! Rest in peace my friend.

It's been awhile.....

Warning: This blog posting is not for the faint of heart! If you are easily offended, then back away and get out while you can! You have been warned!




So I am back and full of more shit than ever. It’s been awhile since I wrote for myself, so I got some things to get off my chest. This may end up sounding like a bit of a bitch session, but I will try to avoid it. It has just been awhile since I spoke freely to anyone else besides my own damaged brain. But, even if it does sound like a bitch session, I don’t fucking care. So let’s get started and see where we go.
I have a ton of anger, resentment, violence, hate, regret, coldness, love, compassion, happiness, smiles, hugs, laughter, sympathy, empathy, and warmness all battling for supremacy in mind and heart. It’s like an old school bar brawl where instead of guns and knives, it’s just fists, feet, chairs and bottles and the shit is flying. Half the fucking time, I don’t know which direction to go or which direction I want to go. The other half of the time, I am either asleep, have my head buried in a book, playing with my monkeys or doing zazen. Did I mention, I am still fully committed to my Buddhist practices? I am, I dutifully sit for zazen twice a day and continue to study the great texts and great teachers. The ironic thing is that I probably wouldn’t be so conflicted if I gave up the practice. It’s during my time sitting that all the shit pops up. I obviously have some unresolved issues, but I am not going to chase them. I will let them come to me when they are damn well ready.


An open letter to anyone? To someone? I don’t fucking know!:
To whom it may concern,
Fuck you and everything you represent. My tolerance for disrespect and dishonesty and ignorance has reached its limit. I am one honest motherfucker, almost to a fault. I think my words out carefully, but you know damn well that when I speak, I speak from the heart and with absolute openness. If you cannot handle that, then fuck off and leave me the fuck alone. If you are trying to take away from me, my dignity, my freedom, my love of life; bring it because you have a fucking war on your hands and I will not be denied or defeated. I may be one big walking hypocrisy wrapped in sincerity, but at least I fucking admit who I am. So, go fuck yourself, whoever you may be!
Love,
Paul
p.s. Karma is a motherfucker!


I am getting a little lightheaded writing this. I am not sure if it is because some weight is being lifted off my shoulders or I am about to pop an embolism. Either way, I am cool with it. As long I still have my monkeys, my cigars and can laugh at myself and my friends, then everything else is just a bonus. If I do fall over after writing this, give my love to everyone who dislikes me and then as Bobby Knight once said, “Bury me facedown, so that all my critics can always look down and kiss my ass!”
I still have a lot to say, but this has gone on long enough for now. If you are still reading this, then thank you for spending a few minutes inside my tortured mind. If you are not still reading this, well, how do I put this? Oh yes, go fuck your mother! Seriously, I have nothing but love for everyone, even those who don’t love me back. I am pretty much at peace with who I am and where I am going. I just need to unleash from time to time because it makes me laugh and if you can’t laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at? Besides midgets, midgets are just funny! Peace!


Shing 09/16/2009