I think everyone would agree with me in that we all have a duality in our personality. There is the side you show those close in your life and the side that you show to those in your life that are acquaintances and maybe even a third side you show to strangers. I have also have had those dual personalities. I think you can ask anyone who is close to me that when they first met me, i came off as quiet and maybe a little intimidating, even arrogant. But once they got to know me they saw the true me, which is compassionate, funny, caring and intelligent. I have been described as a big teddy bear. I don't mind being called that at all.
Also, I believe that every person has a side to them that can be described as dark and sometimes scary. I know I have that side and I guess when I talk about duality, I am talking about the good in people and the darkness in people. Events in people's lives can shape which said they show and which side they let dominate their lives.
Over the past five and a half years, events have changed me that have showed both sides of me. The births of my sons definitely brought out the good side in me. It made me more compassionate and made me not just a Dad, but one damn good Dad! But, at the same time, I was ready to snap the neck of anyone who I felt was a danger to my boys, a natural albeit extreme reaction guided by the need to protect those close to me.
Two years ago, one of my best friends killed himself in a car wreck. Yes, it was an accident, but let's be honest, he was not happy and was using unhealthy outlets trying to achieve that happiness and the use of these outlets ultimately led to him putting himself in a dangerous position and this led to his death. This close friend was also the twin brother of my wife. So, I had two grieving people to deal with, me and her and by ignoring my own grief and focusing on her, I ultimately led myself down a path that almost caused me to break down mentally and physically. This led to the dark side of my personality coming out in that I shut out everyone with the exception of my sons.
Six or Seven months ago, after in reality a year and a half or better of struggles and mistakes made on both sides, my wife told me she wanted to seperate. Now I was at that crossroads again, which side of my personality was gonna come out. Well since I still had not faced the dark side of me and banished it away, it came to the surface again. I went back into that protective shell regarding my sons and looked at most people as the enemy and they felt my wrath.
During this time I also connected with an old friend who I hadn't spoke to in years and found someone who was going through or had gone through some of the stuff that I currently was. This person has become my best friend and we joke that we are our own little support group. It was also at this time that I was fully immersing myself in Buddhism. I began to read more and meditate more and learn more about the Buddha's teachings. I found a teacher by the name of Noah Levine whose story and teachings inspired me and made me look even deeper at myself. It's taken many hours of meditation and many hours of insight into self to bring me where I am today.
I still have the duality of personality. My dark side is alive and well. The difference now is that I acknowledge it and control it. When I feel anger, I acknowledge it and dismiss it. When I feel sorrow, I acknowledge it and dismiss it. When I feel compassion or happiness or any number of other positive feelings. I acknowledge them and instead of dismissing them , I try and focus that positive energy on others who may need it. I am by far, nowhere near to perfect and anger and negativity still get the best of me sometimes, but those times are becoming less and less. I am becoming more comfortable with who I have become and what the future may hold for me. So, bumps in the road are just that, bumps in the road. Walls put up to stop me from achieving what I want to achieve are being knocked down.
I am currently practicing loving-kindness meditation. I can tell you that while I may falter and let the stresses and disappointments in life get to me from time to time, that I will never lose my positive attitude and outlook on life.
Duality of my personality, I am happy, compassionate and loving, but don't take that for weakness because as someone I know once said, I fear no evil, because I am the baddest motherfucker in this place and I have all the happiness and compassion in the world to back me up!
So, if you read this far and even if you haven't, I wish nothing but happiness and positivity in your life and every life hereafter.
Namaste!
SHING
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hi again!
16 years ago
