It’s been awhile since I have written anything and I have like 3.7 million thoughts, ideas, rants, profanity-laced tirades, notes, entries, dreams, visions, and observations bouncing around in my cluttered mind. Some that make me laugh, some that piss me off, some the make me nostalgic, some that make me wanna cry, some that make me feel all warm and fuzzy and some that quite frankly scare the hell out of me! Where to start, where to end, what to share, what to keep locked up in the deep, dark places in my mind that would probably drive most normal people insane. I have always written for myself first and foremost, so this will be no different, but I also can be a little egomaniacal and want some praise or criticism and I share my thoughts also because I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way and it is nice to know that I am not the only insane person in the world. So, ‘F’ it, let’s just write and see where it goes.
Why is it that my inner voice uses the word fuck every other or every couple words? I mean, if I am being honest, it is one of my favorite words. I can use it with the best of them and very poetically when I am so inclined. Yet, I feel as though it is not accepted well in most contexts. That irritates me a little bit because the word is the epitome of life. Life is very beautiful, while at the same time very ugly. Life is a very positive experience, while at the same time, a very negative experience. I am a very positive person, but if I didn’t acknowledge negativity and dismiss it as just another experience, I would be lying to myself and living a life of delusion, which in the long run leads to misery and helplessness.
When I look at the world today and all the people from all walks of life and the way they are mistreated on a daily basis, it not only brings out feelings of empathy and sympathy, but it fucking pissed me off! The good that is done every day is overlooked and taken for granted, while the misery and everything that is wrong in this world is overshadowing all else. I believe that the misery and evil in society needs to be reported, studied and overcome, but the good that is innately born into human beings needs to have at very least equal standing and should be studied and celebrated. When you take for granted the good in people and believe that you are deserving of it and don’t appreciate it, then you are losing your own humanity. I am gonna treat you as all human beings should be treated regardless of how you treat me, but you better believe that in this life or the next, your loss of your own humanity is gonna come back and punch you in the face and then maybe you will understand why you exist.
Why the ‘F’ am 0 for 3 with women since my wife decided she wanted to separate? All three flaked at the last minute when we were supposed to go out. I spent the first two or three months, wallowing in my own misery and feeling sorry for me and doing all I could to get my wife back. Then I finally hit my limit and said no more, I am moving the ‘F’ on and continuing to do what is right by my boys and do what is right for me. In the time since, I have developed an even closer friendship with someone who means a great deal to me and maybe something will develop in the future with us, but we both have obstacles to overcome before that will happen. In the meantime, I have had three women that I met and got to know either online or on the phone and then when it came time to actually go out, they flaked, disappeared and/or stopped talking to me altogether. Now, I don’t really care that they decided that they didn’t want to go out. (I really only wanna be with my “sweet momma”! She makes me smile every day and some day we will explore each other more.) I guess I was talking to others out of loneliness and the need for some attention. What bugs me is the way it was handled. It was ‘FN’ rude and disrespectful and I did nothing to deserve to be treated in that manner and I don’t understand it. I have learned through the years that honesty and integrity are very important traits to have. I am by no means perfect, but my life is an open fucking book and I am honest to a fault anymore and I deserve some fucking respect. So, fuck it, I am over it. The people who matter the most to me, treat me right and I do the same to them, so I take my Fukitol and move on. Karma can be a motherfucker, so give it some thought and be pure in your actions when you deal with others!
I am very fortunate to have some very close friends in my life, some from long ago that have returned and some that never left and some new. I have the O.G.’s: Little Arnold, Orca, Mr. Nookie, Benny, Alkie, Gigalo. The K.C. O.G.’s: Ryan, Ja Eckles, Mac, Andy, Scott. My people: Ja, Lawn Swan, Squeaky Cheeks, Joel, Wagon, Travis, Russ, Noah, Dawn, Stef, Marcela and of course my closest friend Michele. I feel very blessed and fortunate to have so many good people in my life.
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