My Practice

I have been a practicing Buddhist for a little over a year now. I am not yet fully immersed into the Buddhist way of life. I still enjoy the occasional cigar and a beer or 2(well sometimes 12) and I eat meat. I really like using the word fuck. I have many faults, but that is okay. I am trying to find peace and let go of the desires and anger and resentment that has been building up over the last 35 years. I am happy to an extent. I have my sons that bring me joy every time I think of them or spend time with them. I have some very good friends that support me even when I am down and pissed off at the world. I sometimes think that my insane quest for the ultimate happiness may be my one biggest downfalls because I when I put faith into people and they let me down, it affects me way too much. But, I digress; this is about my practice and the difficulties I am encountering. I meditate every day. I am seeking oneness of my mind, body and soul with the universe. My first forays into the meditative aspects of Buddhism were scary to say the least. I often found myself being bombarded with all the negativity that I had generated or that surrounded me during various times throughout my life. I always tried to acknowledge it and let it pass and come back to the center. This worked well for me. I became at peace with many aspects of my life that were troubling me. As my practice progressed and I got deeper into the Vipassanà practice and I evolved into loving-kindness meditation, I was really feeling at peace because I could start to allow myself to forgive those that had hurt me in the past and welcome their presence back into my soul whether they knew it or not. I felt like I was giving back to the universe and especially those I deeply care about or love and things were going right in my world. I then started to get too attached to the need to practice that meditation and focused too much on my feelings and not enough on the practice itself. I wanted to spread good karma, but it was just as much for my own gratification as it was for the betterment of the people in my life. I lost sight of the true calling of my practice and that was to abandon the attachments of gratification and instead generate the good karma for the betterment of the universe. Now, I find myself in such a dark place when I hit the mat that I am getting frustrated that I can't let it all go. My heart, my soul and my mind are dark, dark, even dangerous places that I fear going to every time I go to meditate. I am in such a constant struggle to acknowledge and let go that I fear at times, I may be going even more insane than I already am. My meditations have turned into a place where I beat myself up for my failings as a son, father, husband, and friend instead of a time where I acknowledge my faults and accept that they made me into the man I am today. I know deep in my heart, soul and mind that I am a good father, son and friend. I was a good husband for the most part, but those days are gone. I am seeking out those places deep inside so I can regain the peace I was starting to feel. Then I can let go of the negativity that is ruling my thoughts right now and be the positive influence that I have been and am destined to be. A big part of my attempts to regain that peace are through my writings. I have been at it non-stop for days trying to get it all out, hoping that it can cleanse my mind and soul of all that is killing me inside. I think it is working, but it is a work in progress and I must be patient. I share some of my writings because I know there are other people out there suffering as well and I hope that they can take some solace in knowing they are not alone. I just want to say fuck it and be at peace.

 

Shing 03/2009