My Response

After some deep soul searching last night and this morning, I have a response to my last blog. It's really quite simple and I am a little pissed at myself for not realizing it earlier. Fuck that light at the end of the tunnel. The truth I am seeking is buried deep inside of me. I just have to find it. Looking for the light at the end of tunnel and forgetting the here and now is complete bullshit. All the feelings I have been experiencing the last few days are just that, feelings. They come and go and yet here I am still strong as ever and ready to take on everything this illusion we call life has to throw at me. Who is gonna make a fucking difference? I am. Who is gonna go out and get what I want? I am. Who is gonna take the weight of the world and throw it aside? I am. Fuck all this negativity that I have allowed myself to get wrapped up in. Fuck the pain. Fuck the suffering. Fuck the unhappiness. Fuck the sorrow. Fuck the longing for what I can't have. Fuck the anger and desperation. Fuck me. As I walk through the valley in the shadow of death, I fear no evil. Do you know why? Because I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley and nothing is gonna stop me from being me and enjoying my life. So, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool. Peace I am out of here. Seriously though, I got nothing but love for everyone whether they want it or not. I am through fucking around and my peace is mine and mine to share with the universe. Thanks to my friends, new and old, past and present, loved and unloved. FUCK!

 

 

Shing 03/2009

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

Lately, I have written about nothing but pain and suffering and my own personal experiences with each. You know there is supposed to be a reason for it all. Whether it is some bad karma that I gathered in a past life or it's just a test to see how much I can handle. There is always supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that shines bright and when you see that light, you know that everything will be ok and you can have some hope that there will be a happy ending to the story. What I didn't realize and maybe I was just being naïve or blind, but what I didn't realize is that the light can be there and then suddenly disappear and you are left in the dark once again. That is how I feel right now. I was thinking that the light was there, I could see it, I could feel it's warmth and I was almost there and wham, it was gone and I was left fumbling around in the dark, thinking that I can't take anymore of the darkness and what do I do now? I want to find that light again, I want to climb out of the darkness and be blinded by that light. I am lost once again. I have to regroup and gather myself up and battle back once again. They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That normally applies only in a physical sense. But, can it apply in a mental or emotional sense also? Do I climb back out stronger than ever before or do I stay in the dark and stumble around regretting the things I have done and the things I have experienced? I am at a crossroads; I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am the only one who can take on that burden. I have so much to share, so much to give and when I finally find the light and can share and give all that I am capable of, and then I will be complete. For now I will keep fighting forward, have no regrets, live each day and then when I see the light again, I will be that much stronger and have even more to share and give. It's dark where I live right now, but I will find a way out.

 

Shing 03/2009

My Practice

I have been a practicing Buddhist for a little over a year now. I am not yet fully immersed into the Buddhist way of life. I still enjoy the occasional cigar and a beer or 2(well sometimes 12) and I eat meat. I really like using the word fuck. I have many faults, but that is okay. I am trying to find peace and let go of the desires and anger and resentment that has been building up over the last 35 years. I am happy to an extent. I have my sons that bring me joy every time I think of them or spend time with them. I have some very good friends that support me even when I am down and pissed off at the world. I sometimes think that my insane quest for the ultimate happiness may be my one biggest downfalls because I when I put faith into people and they let me down, it affects me way too much. But, I digress; this is about my practice and the difficulties I am encountering. I meditate every day. I am seeking oneness of my mind, body and soul with the universe. My first forays into the meditative aspects of Buddhism were scary to say the least. I often found myself being bombarded with all the negativity that I had generated or that surrounded me during various times throughout my life. I always tried to acknowledge it and let it pass and come back to the center. This worked well for me. I became at peace with many aspects of my life that were troubling me. As my practice progressed and I got deeper into the Vipassanà practice and I evolved into loving-kindness meditation, I was really feeling at peace because I could start to allow myself to forgive those that had hurt me in the past and welcome their presence back into my soul whether they knew it or not. I felt like I was giving back to the universe and especially those I deeply care about or love and things were going right in my world. I then started to get too attached to the need to practice that meditation and focused too much on my feelings and not enough on the practice itself. I wanted to spread good karma, but it was just as much for my own gratification as it was for the betterment of the people in my life. I lost sight of the true calling of my practice and that was to abandon the attachments of gratification and instead generate the good karma for the betterment of the universe. Now, I find myself in such a dark place when I hit the mat that I am getting frustrated that I can't let it all go. My heart, my soul and my mind are dark, dark, even dangerous places that I fear going to every time I go to meditate. I am in such a constant struggle to acknowledge and let go that I fear at times, I may be going even more insane than I already am. My meditations have turned into a place where I beat myself up for my failings as a son, father, husband, and friend instead of a time where I acknowledge my faults and accept that they made me into the man I am today. I know deep in my heart, soul and mind that I am a good father, son and friend. I was a good husband for the most part, but those days are gone. I am seeking out those places deep inside so I can regain the peace I was starting to feel. Then I can let go of the negativity that is ruling my thoughts right now and be the positive influence that I have been and am destined to be. A big part of my attempts to regain that peace are through my writings. I have been at it non-stop for days trying to get it all out, hoping that it can cleanse my mind and soul of all that is killing me inside. I think it is working, but it is a work in progress and I must be patient. I share some of my writings because I know there are other people out there suffering as well and I hope that they can take some solace in knowing they are not alone. I just want to say fuck it and be at peace.

 

Shing 03/2009

So much……

There is so much

I want to say

But it's never the time

Or never the place

I need to express

Get it off my chest

Let it out, yell, shout

Laugh, cry, and just ask why

My soul is empty

My heart is cold

Darkness fills my mind

A deep, dark void

Scratching at the edge of my sanity

Pulling me down

Holding me under

So hard to breathe

So hard to stay up

I am not one, I am two

Two intertwined beings,

One who needs to love and be loved

One who hates and spews that hatred around

Which one of me will dominate

Which one will win the battle for my soul?

So much to say

Never the right time

Never the right place

Chancey

So, today is Chancey's B-day. The big dummy would have been 36. It is hard to put into words sometimes the effect that someone can have on you and others. Chancey lit up any room that he walked into. If you were lucky enough to be able to call him your friend, then your life was much better off for it. He made everyone feel as though they were the only person in the room when he talked to you. His focus was on the person he was talking too and not off in the distance. This was true whether he knew you for 20 minutes or 20 years. He was a larger than life human being and though I know he struggled with that burden from time to time, I know that he enjoyed that persona. Those that were closest to Chance can attest to the true human being that he was. He juggled father, husband, son, brother, uncle and friend better than anyone I have ever known. His light still shines as bright now as it ever did. I miss him, as I am sure plenty of others do.
Those who know me, know how I feel. There is a song by Pennywise called Bro-Hymn. It is a tribute to friends still here and those that are gone. It spells out the brotherhood that some of us had with Chancey better than I ever could, so I will share it here. In honor of Chance, from the TPC, Wagon, Ja, Fish, Todd, Fat Bob and anyone else that knew him the way we did.

BRO-HYMN by Pennywise

To our best friends,
Present past and beyond
Even though they weren't with us too long
Your life is the most precious thing that we could lose
While you were here the fun was never ending
Laugh a minute only the beginning
Chancey James Smith
this one's for you

Ever get the feeling you can't go on
Just remember whose side it is that you're on
You've got friends with you till the end
If you're ever in a tough situation we'll be there with no hesitation
Brotherhood's our rule that cannot bend
When you're feeling too close to the bottom
You know who it is you can count on
Someone will pick you up again
we can conquer anything together
All of us are bonded forever
if you die I die that's the way it is
- Pennywise

Rest in Peace, my brother. Happy Birthday

Shing

Stuck in my Head

Music has always been a huge part of my life. I can hear certain songs and be immediately taken back to the time when I first heard them and what was going on in my life and why this particular song sticks in my mind. I also find that there will be a song or two from that same album that now hits me and resonates in my soul. I was really hitting on some old Good Riddance this weekend. They have been one of my favorite bands since I first heard them on Fat Wreck in like '98. So, this weekend it was the final live performance Remain in Memory that was nonstop in my head, on my computer, in my car, everywhere. There is one song that really sticks out and touches my soul now because of my current life situation and as some of you know, when it really hits me, I like to share. This song is one of those songs. So with much love and respect to Russ and the rest of Good Riddance:

THINK OF ME
I never knew how good I had it
I had to treat you like a habit
it became what I'd guess you call a slight obsession
now I've had some time to work it out
way too much time to be without
the one I've wanted
you're my right direction

when you're back there
do you think of me
when you're alone
before you sleep
you are the one
I'm waiting for
this time's not like before
I'm going to carry you away

thinking good things now
I know we'll work it out somehow
I try to keep my chin up but it's so hard to let you go
it never hurt before to be alone
now your voice is salvation on the phone
I only wish you weren't so far away
-Good Riddance

Great FN song, Great FN band, the way I FN feel. If only I could let go of the longing and the desire, then maybe I could find some peace!

Shing 03/2009