It's a new year.....

It's a new year......


I am stressed the fuck out......big surprise there. I feel like it is all I ever write about. You know me, you know I am actually a pretty laid back dude, but also there is an undercurrent of aggro constantly waiting to rear it's ugly head. I practice zazen to help me stay present moment and focused. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hesitate to express how I am feeling, both good and bad. I think sometimes I take the good for granted. Shit, it's easy to accept life when you are rolling along and all is fine. I don't need to write to get things off my chest when I am happy, it's when I am getting my ass kicked that I need to write......so I share my latest thoughts and wish you all much peace and happiness in 2010 and beyond!

So here I am, it's fucking late.... I can't sleep.....my brain hurts..I feel like my head is gonna is explode....my meditations lead to more stress and realizations that my life may not be where I want it right now, but I am strangely at peace with it. It makes no sense to me. I can feel the stress all through my body. It puts me on edge and obviously is not healthy, but I don't care. When I sit for zazen and just empty my head, all kinds of hell bombard me relentlessly. This is what I hear in my head: I suck as a: father, a friend, a son, a brother, a student, etc,etc,etc..... So the weird thing is that I hear all this bullshit running through my head and it stresses me out yet I really don't care. I know I am far from perfect, yet my boys are lucky to have me as their father. My love for them far exceeds any love I have ever felt. When I sit back and watch them interact with each other and how well they get along and how even though they fight like brothers, the compassion they show to one another and the obvious deep love and affection they have for each other is a direct reflection of me. This drives me to suceed and keeps me sane all while everything feels like it is going to hell around me. I don't know what has changed deep within me to allow me to be stressed the fuck out while at the same time be at peace, but whatever it is, I can only hope that I can keep it channeled and draw from it when I feel that all too familiar pull of anger, depression and despair that I have all too often been feeling as of late.
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days, and Much Love,
Namaste!
Shing
12/09  

Shut Up! Who cares that I have a man-crush?

Okay, at the risk of being ridiculed, I am gonna admit something that I am pretty sure I publicly admitted before in a drunken state. I, Shing aka Shing-Daddy aka The Daddy aka Kid ChokeOut aka The Duke of Shing aka Sir Stab-a-lot aka Fucko the Clown aka, well you get the idea. I have a man-crush. Now I am in no way attracted physically to this man, but if I could be one person for week or seven, I would choose this person. This man is the great Matt Skiba.
Dude just writes some serious good music and lyrics. I have been inspired both good and bad by his genius. There are so many songs of his own or Alkaline Trio's or from Heavens that I can relate to, that its crazy.
Not too many people can write a song about a serial killer talking to his latest victim and make it almost sound like a love song. The song is called "Counting" by Heavens, which is one of his side projects. Great music. Anyway, besides maybe Tiger Woods, Skiba is one dude I would change places with for awhile. And, hell yes I would still wanna trade places with Tiger. Brother-man just needs to be left the hell alone. He didn't live up to the morals of somebody else, big fucking deal. He is a human being with faults just like anyone else. Those that are without fault can sit back and judge. Oh wait there is no one out there like that. So leave the fucking guy alone!
Now where was I....oh yeah Skiba is my man-crush and I am man enough to admit it.
While I am at it, I might as well destroy any street cred that I have left. You know who else I would change places with for  a few days? Whenever I admit this to myself I die a little inside. Okay, may as well get it over with.....Justin Timberlake. Oh man, that's hard to admit, but hear me out. Dude has tons of money for making bad music, has his choice of women, gets to be on SNL, nailed Britney when she was still just slutty, not slutty and crazy like she is now and he probably is a cool dude to hang out with. Shit, I would trade places just for the unlimited tee times at Pebble Beach alone. So there it is, go ahead laugh at me, but how many of you Now are thinking to yourself, "You know what? Shing is right!" That's right, admit it bitches, I am right. So there, I don't feel any better after admitting that last part, but I am man enough to stand up and admit it. That's all for now, I think. Oh wait,  i really like tacos. Seriously, is there a better food out there? Nope! Ok now i am done.....i think....yep....i am done....Peace....

Why I Love Kristin Hersh

In case you did not realize it, I really like music.
My tastes are pretty wide ranging. Anyone who follows me on twitter or facebook knows that lately my tastes have been angry ones. I covered some of my love of hip hop in a previous posting and my love of punk and hardcore is well known. This posting is gonna cover some of my love for female singers. I thought of this topic while listening to one of the greatest bands of all time, the Throwing Muses, the other night. This reminded me of a conversation I had with a good friend a couple of months ago. I was sharing my love of great music when of course I got to the part of music greatness known as the Throwing Muses.
Quick history for the uninformed. The Muses were formed by half sisters Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donnelly back in the late 80s. Known for their aggressive, but very melodic songs, they came from the same genre as The Pixies.
Anyway, I was recommending music to her and the muses along with Kristin Hersh's solo stuff and Tanya Donnelly's solo work and work with Belly were included. This led to Ani Difranco, the Breeders, Poe, Veruca Salt, The Gits, early Hole(before Courtney Love became a complete douche), Liz Phair, PJ Harvey, Luscious Jackson, Sneaker Pimps, Lush, and of course the great Tori Amos(who by the way was Chancey's favorite, RIP Bro!) and probably more that I have forgotten at this moment.
All was well in our music discussion until my good friend said this about Kristin Hersh: "yeah she's ok, kind of like Jewel" Ok, at this point it took all the nonviolence zen training that I have had not to drive to her house and punch her in the ovaries. She may as well insulted my children. Comparing the genius of Kristen Hersh to Jewel is blasphemy. Now there is nothing wrong with Jewel. She is talented in her own way, but she couldn't write anything close to what Kristin does and to say otherwise is pure insanity.
All this being said, I still love my friend. She does have pretty good taste in music and I guess I can cut her a break this time.
To sum up: I love Kristin Hersh, Tanya Donnelly and the Throwing Muses. They are in my humble opinion, one of the greatest musical acts of all time and deserve way more praise and acclaim than they get. I can name many times in my life, both good times and rough times, during which either the Muses or Kristin were the soundtrack that kept me flying high or picked me up when I was down. Kristin is continuing to make some great music today and it is all being funded by fans. This gives her the freedom to create the music she wants to create and not be under the thumb of a record label. I am proud to call myself one of her "Strangels"! Go to http://www.kristinhersh.com and http://www.cashmusic.com and show some love and support.
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days and Much Love.....Namaste!
Shing 12/09

Ho, Ho, Ho!

Xmas thoughts
Xmas and the holidays in general have really just sucked for me lately. The reasons for this are pretty obvious, if you have read any of my previous posts. Major life changes have made them just a little tougher to deal with. I try and put up a good facade for the monkeys, but until recently I have been pretty unsuccessful. This week has reaffirmed my love for the holidays and I owe it to my monkeys.
Monday I took them to see Ho Ho (that's Santa, in case you couldn't figure that out on your own). It was great just watching how excited they were. Jax saw Santa and immediately took off in a sprint and tried to tackle him. They both had huge smiles the whole time. Santa asked them if they had been good and of course they said yes. Then he asked me if these were the same kids who had trouble going to bed at times, I laughed and said yes and they both kind of looked at each other were like how did he know that. It was classic. Then of course the excitement turned to pretzels and we went home.
Today was Xmas party day at both of the monkey's schools. 1st up in the morning was Jax's preschool. They sang some songs and then we decorated a Gingerbread House together. We used what seemed like a gallon of icing to put on lollipops and licorice and m&ms and whatever else he could put on there. It was fun and Jax really enjoyed it. Next up was Brody's school for a visit. Once again Jax was really excited that he was gonna see Brody's school. We got there in time to go to Brody's art class. Jax sat there all proud and Brody was happy to have us there. Jax was the highlight of the day and all the girls loved him. He is such a little flirt. I need to take him out with me. He is a chick magnet. We got to hang out for the rest of the school day. Jax showed off his color naming and counting to ten abilities. He was so proud to be able to get into line and walk down the hall with the big kids. It was quite funny. Brody was being the good big bro that he always is, by introducing him to everyone and sharing his treats.
So as Xmas eve is upon us, I am finding a renewed hope and attitude that all is gonna be just fine and as usual I owe it to the monkeys.
By the way, rumor has it that I am getting Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for PS3 from the monkeys! Woo hoo, I rule!!!
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days and Happy Holidays to you all! Namaste!
Shing 12/09

Drain Away

I was gonna save this for my own little treasure chest of anger, but I felt pretty good after writing it, so I decided to publish it. This is how I get things off my chest and is my own brand of therapy. It's all for me. Long Ashes, Good Karma and Stabby days to you!  Shing 12/09

Drain away


Fuck me, I am..
Feeling all the pain
A constant drain
Need to find my way out
Out from under all the misery
You bring to me
Need to break free
From the oppression
That fuels my depression
That drags me Down
Down To depths of darkness
That no man should ever see
Maybe I should let it all drain away
Empty my heart of this pain
I gave all I could give
Had it all taken
Getting nothing in return
Fuck u And what u have made me become
U always had me under your thumb
I am breaking free.....
From the tyranny of pain
Makes me want to kill myself
Then maybe I can find some relief
Empty my heart and let it drain away
I have had all I can take
Leaving me wanting to scream
Fuck u, u fucking cunt
But...........
There is nothing left for me to say
Time to let the blood sweat and tears all drain away
I am fucking done

This Is Where The Fucking Title Goes and What Would Buddha Do?

I hate coming up with titles to my posts, hence the title of this post. I really have only been happy with one of my titles and that was Who Wants a Beating?, that was pure brilliance. But normally they suck. Plus this title will keep anyone away who is easily offended. The easily offended suck!

Last night I was driving behind a truck that had a sticker of a confederate flag with the words "my heritage = your ignorance". My immediate thoughts were this: I will respect your right to put that sticker on your truck, but you better fucking respect my right to then run you off the road and beat you with a fucking 2x4 for being an asshole.
There is no justification for that flag. This country is about freedom and that flag represents oppression and suppression of freedom. So that being said, I respect your freedom to fly it, but expect me to do all i can to suppress your freedom with a fucking bat, you ignorant fuck!
It's too bad I am against violence. Some people just need beatings. 

My Ideal Woman. Rage, Misery and Stabby, OH MY!

So, during my alone time with my brain, I finally determined the perfect woman for me. After months of scientific testing and research, I came to this answer: My ideal woman is Barbie. Wait, hear me out. We would have to add a vagina of course, but here is why. 1st, she is always happy. 2nd, she likes pets, so I could have puppies and kitties. 3rd, she has to have crazy money. I mean, she has all those cars and multiple houses and shit. She could be my sugar momma while I finish school. I would gladly drive a pink corvette or jeep, if I had unlimited funds to buy cigars and any other cool shit that I wanted. So, there you go, I need to marry Barbie. My thinking is flawless and cannot be disputed. It could work, now I just need to set up like in Weird Science to make it work. Let the mad scientist shit begin!
Rage, misery and stabby, oh my! Rage, fueling my days and nights. My trigger is quick right now. I know the cause and am trying to overcome it, but still struggling with it. The issue is that my monkeys are feeling the brunt of it sometimes. I am quicker to punish them when they misbehave or don't listen. But they are 3 and 6, they aren't gonna listen all the time and they are gonna act up. It's that my patience is running low right now. Not fair to them and I am fighting to make sure that I keep it to a minimum.
Misery, a great fucking song by Gallows, I completely feel it. I am at my core, a happy and positive person, but I am also not running away from those feelings of sadness and anger and facing them head on to try and over come and stay happy and even.
Stabby, I feel it, not only daily, but at times, hourly also. It has become synonymous with focus. My focus is sharp as ever, just not always in the right place.
To sum up: marry Barbie, try not to kick the shit out of the next person who crosses me, love misery as much as she loves me, stay stabby in the right way and have some tacos. I love tacos.
Good Karma, Long Ashes and Stabbily Aggro days to you all!
Shing
12/09

Missing In Action

I've been M.I.A. There are many reasons for this. I am working most nights now(just at Target, unloading trucks and stocking shelves, not rocket surgery, but bringing in some much needed cash), school is kicking my ass, the stresses of trying to sell a house and move on in my life, have all just made me go into my shell a little bit.  I do that when I am feeling overwhelmed. I have to conserve my energy for the boys and keep those little monkeys smiling and happy! They are happy for the most part, moving is an adventure for them. I get asked every day about the house getting sold, so they can live with my parents with me while I finish school. I am just feeling beat down, black and blue and kicked in the head.
Every time I sit down to write, whether it be for this blog, for the cigar sites I do reviews for or for school, I start and then just go, awwwww fuck it. So, I am hoping this kick starts me again and I can get back to being Shing and being stabby.
I am currently hooked on some Asian punk and psychobilly bands. I don't always know what the hell they are saying, but the music is kick ass. Battle of Ninjamanz from Japan, Chaos of Society from Thailand and Brain Failure from Beijing, China are three that really have me geeked. It's great music and I recommend you check them out.
I saw Boondock Saints 2 the other night. What a great movie! And the company I kept while seeing it was pretty outstanding too! Clifton Collins, Jr.'s character pretty much made the movie. If you don't know him, you should check out his IMDB page and see some of his flicks, he is great and a good homie! It had some great gratuitous violence and also some good laughs. "Ding Dong Motherfuckers!!! Ding! Dong!" Classic line in a classic part of the movie! You need to see this movie!
As I write this, I am smoking an Illusione Cuchillos Cubanos 47. Does Dion make a bad cigar? If he does, I haven't found one yet and I have tried everything he has made so far. I think the Nosotros is gonna be outstanding and I can't wait to get my hands on them when they come out!
If I was only able to smoke the Illusione cg4, Tatuaje Black, the Room 101, CAO La Traviata and Man 'O War Ruination for the rest of my life, I would be one happy mofo! I am glad I get to try so many good cigars, either by my own doing or from fellow BOTLs. I am blessed to be part of the cigar world!

This has gone on long enough for now. I have a lot more to say, but am getting that awwwww fuck it feeling, so I will cut it for now. Long Ashes, Good Karma and Stabbily Aggro days to you all!

SHING