Lately, I have written about nothing but pain and suffering and my own personal experiences with each. You know there is supposed to be a reason for it all. Whether it is some bad karma that I gathered in a past life or it's just a test to see how much I can handle. There is always supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that shines bright and when you see that light, you know that everything will be ok and you can have some hope that there will be a happy ending to the story. What I didn't realize and maybe I was just being naïve or blind, but what I didn't realize is that the light can be there and then suddenly disappear and you are left in the dark once again. That is how I feel right now. I was thinking that the light was there, I could see it, I could feel it's warmth and I was almost there and wham, it was gone and I was left fumbling around in the dark, thinking that I can't take anymore of the darkness and what do I do now? I want to find that light again, I want to climb out of the darkness and be blinded by that light. I am lost once again. I have to regroup and gather myself up and battle back once again. They say that what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. That normally applies only in a physical sense. But, can it apply in a mental or emotional sense also? Do I climb back out stronger than ever before or do I stay in the dark and stumble around regretting the things I have done and the things I have experienced? I am at a crossroads; I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am the only one who can take on that burden. I have so much to share, so much to give and when I finally find the light and can share and give all that I am capable of, and then I will be complete. For now I will keep fighting forward, have no regrets, live each day and then when I see the light again, I will be that much stronger and have even more to share and give. It's dark where I live right now, but I will find a way out.
Shing 03/2009
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