It's a new year.....

It's a new year......


I am stressed the fuck out......big surprise there. I feel like it is all I ever write about. You know me, you know I am actually a pretty laid back dude, but also there is an undercurrent of aggro constantly waiting to rear it's ugly head. I practice zazen to help me stay present moment and focused. But I also wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hesitate to express how I am feeling, both good and bad. I think sometimes I take the good for granted. Shit, it's easy to accept life when you are rolling along and all is fine. I don't need to write to get things off my chest when I am happy, it's when I am getting my ass kicked that I need to write......so I share my latest thoughts and wish you all much peace and happiness in 2010 and beyond!

So here I am, it's fucking late.... I can't sleep.....my brain hurts..I feel like my head is gonna is explode....my meditations lead to more stress and realizations that my life may not be where I want it right now, but I am strangely at peace with it. It makes no sense to me. I can feel the stress all through my body. It puts me on edge and obviously is not healthy, but I don't care. When I sit for zazen and just empty my head, all kinds of hell bombard me relentlessly. This is what I hear in my head: I suck as a: father, a friend, a son, a brother, a student, etc,etc,etc..... So the weird thing is that I hear all this bullshit running through my head and it stresses me out yet I really don't care. I know I am far from perfect, yet my boys are lucky to have me as their father. My love for them far exceeds any love I have ever felt. When I sit back and watch them interact with each other and how well they get along and how even though they fight like brothers, the compassion they show to one another and the obvious deep love and affection they have for each other is a direct reflection of me. This drives me to suceed and keeps me sane all while everything feels like it is going to hell around me. I don't know what has changed deep within me to allow me to be stressed the fuck out while at the same time be at peace, but whatever it is, I can only hope that I can keep it channeled and draw from it when I feel that all too familiar pull of anger, depression and despair that I have all too often been feeling as of late.
Long Ashes, Good Karma, Stabby Days, and Much Love,
Namaste!
Shing
12/09