After hours of introspection I still have no clue as to why I have been feeling this way. I am sure it is a number of things, all just deciding to crash in on my psyche all at once. I should just sit back and let it go and come back stronger as I usually do. That would be the easy thing to do. I could just pretend that everything is super neato-burrito happy and smile and nod be the “hap-hap-happiest asshole since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny Fucking Kaye!” I could do that. I could also sit in zazen and not judge and not chase what is bothering me. I could just let it arise in front of me and then say “whoa, that’s fucked up!” But, I have tried all that already. I have smiled and nodded and done my best to ensure everyone else around me is happy and that they know how important they are to me or how they have had a positive impact on my life, etc, etc, etc. Now I am not diminishing those things, because they are an important part of my life and who I am. But, that stuff just isn’t working right now.
So, what the hell do I do? Do I go out and take a walk around campus or the neighborhood and just hand out random beatings? Right now, it does sound enticing; even with my dislike of violence for violence sake. I enjoy the violence of sport (mma, rugby, football, and boxing). I enjoy violence in movies and video games, especially if it is over-the-top. But, the everyday violence in the street, the violence against women and children, that sickens me. It sickens me to the point where I can get physically ill. So, with all that being said, handing out beatings probably isn’t an option I want to take. Hell, I have even tried the “combat jack”, which usually helps, but that isn’t cutting it either. Smoking cigars, drinking a beer or some Jamaican rum, watching my monkeys play, Zazen, Tai Chi Chuan, Muay Thai, listening to music, even playing games or watching movies; none of it has gotten me out of this foul mood.
What to do now? Well, I can tell you that I think I am starting to come out of this funk of aggro. I had a good friend reach out and offer an ear to listen. I spent a great deal of time talking with an acquaintance, who has now become more of what I would call a friend. I had a couple other friends remind me of some things that I was blind to, because of the aggro standing in my way. Most importantly, I had my monkeys give me their unconditional love even though Daddy has been a pain in the ass the last couple days. These are all positive moves in the right direction for me. Now I am still feeling aggro, but not AGGRO!!! So, I will continue doing the things I do best and the things I do every day to try and stay sane. Hopefully, that will take me in the right direction and this too shall pass. If not, walk the other way if you see me coming. Or if you are brave, walk up and give me a hug. It may be exactly what I need. Peace
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*Sigh*... thank you. I could practically feel some of the heaviness & negativity lift from you, as I read. Sharing is good for the Soul. It connects you to the people who need to hear your words in order to grow from your experiences. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteI'd like you to imagine that you are a Window. At one time you were crystal clear & the Light radiated through you effortlessly. However, over the course of your life, and by the decisions you made, your glass became streaked, muddied, and completely covered. To you, the world outside became non-existent because your view disappeared.
Until one day when a beam of Light pierced through the grime. Though only dime-sized, you caught a glimpse of what was beyond yourself and saw things from a different perspective. You were intrigued and scratched the surface to rediscover what was always there, but hidden. Not to mention, the warmth felt so inviting and intoxicating that you desired to feel more and began to clean the debris.
Though your will is strong and the Light beckons to shine through you, the build up of emotions, last minute choices, and Self-loathing have accumulated for dozens of years. This is no overnight window-washing, the same amount of elbow-grease and focus are required. There is no timeframe, as long as you have determination, persistence, and faith, the dirt of what was will eventually crumble away allowing the Light to shine to you and through you. It already is.
You are shining brighter today than the first day you crossed my path, and I have NO doubt that you'll be even brighter tomorrow! I believe in you, to no end. Believe in yourself & just keep doing what you feel to be right. In time the various definitions you attach to the word "aggro" won't define, or bother you, at all. As far as I'm concerned... the only word that could ever define you would be... Perfect.
I Love YOU, xoXo~ Marcella
If I would run into to you, I would take that chance and give you a hug!
ReplyDeleteLove, Dawn
Nice post bro. I feel like that sometimes too but at least now I know I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteDawg you have managed to put into words what I believe many of us are feeling at one time or another. It's funny the type of relationship's (dare I say) we develop through social media. I read tweets and blogs and cigar reviews and you get a sense of the writers personality and the emotion they out into there words.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what ARRGO is even thought today was the first time I've ever seen that word. Thats that connection I was talking about.
Another connection is that fact that you have a very supporting family as do I. There are times when I think that I am the only one going through shit and no body can relate or help me do me. Then I see my kids and my wife who has that innate ability to cut through the bullshit and get to the heart of the problem and diffuse the bomb.
Take solstice in your loved ones and continue to use your blog as an outlet, because your not the only one it speaks to. Be blessed.
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