Here I am…R-A-W…..

Damn, it's been 24 hours since I wrote my last blog post. It's 2am on a Wednesday and "here I am, R-A-W, a terrorist, here to bring trouble to"….But I am getting ahead of myself, we'll get back to Raw in a bit. Right now, I am still awake, still kicking, still clawing and scratching and brawling and moving forward,, backward, sideways, all ways. Other than a 30 minute power nap before getting the monkeys off to school this morning, I am without sleep. I am not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Earlier this evening, I asked a good friend how much longer she thought I could go without sleep and not move from partially insane to completely insane. She recommended I go to bed then, but that was five hours ago and I am still going. The words have been flowing from mind to the paper and I got some good shit done for school and now I am writing for me. Sleep will kick my ass when it's ready so here I am.

What is better for me? No sleep, delirium and anger or sleep and anger. I am leaning towards the former, but we shall see what works. I am feeling fucking good right now. I feel like there is nothing in the world that can hold me back. I feel like a big fucking supernova in deep space destroying everything in my path before of course I collapse into myself and become a black hole, and the big suck. Maybe not a good metaphor, now that I read it, but fuck it, you know what I mean.

(Side note: Michio Kaku and Stephen Hawking are my favorite Theoretical Physicists. If you don't know who they are, you better ask somebody, because they are brilliant and wrote some of my favorite books of all time. My favorite Astrophysicist you ask?….Amy Mainzer and no it's not just because she is hot. It's because she is brilliant and hot and sexy. If you don't know who she is, you better really go ask somebody! Go ahead, go! I will wait….see told ya!)

Back to where I was going before I distracted myself with a horrible metaphor for feeling good and ready to take on the world. How the hell did I start feeling better, at least temporarily? Well, there are some great BOTLs (Brothers of the Leaf) out there who know how to make a fool like me laugh. I have some good friends that continue to try and pick me up and drag me back to life. My monkeys give the best hugs and kisses. At bedtime I give them what we call a dream kiss. I pick some superheroes or cartoon characters or dinosaurs or sharks, whatever they are into that day and after I pick some of these items for them to dream about, I seal it with a kiss to the forehead, so they can have dreams about the things they like. Tonight, after they each got theirs, I was about to walk out the bedroom when Jax called me back and said he wanted to give me a dream kiss. So, he proceeded to tell me I was gonna dream about The Wonder Pets, Sharks, Batman, Spiderman, Cigars(damn that kid knows me) and pizza and then he gave me one of his sweet little kisses on the forehead. I damn near cried. Fuck, I am tearing up now as I write this. These are tears of happiness, not tears of anger or fear or sadness. These I can deal with easily, the rest can kiss my ass. Once again, the monkeys have reminded me how great I have it even when I hurt deep inside.

You may be asking yourself, so that's it? All the aggro and fucking fucks and all that shit is gone, just like that? My answer is yes and no. Yes I feel better; yes I was able to smile like a motherfucker tonight. Yes I am still aggro. No I am not all happiness and rainbows and unicorns and shit. I am moving forward and trying to keep a positive spin on some shit and letting it happen. Also, I was inspired musically tonight. No, it wasn't due to my boy Jose's embarrassing and mind-numbing revelations on his blog (His blog is called Life's Indulgences and there is link to it on the left side of the page. I recommend you check it out. It's quite good and humorous and I guarantee you will enjoy it). Sorry Jose, but my musical influence that had me smiling tonight and all hyped up and jacked and ready to go is hip-hop related and I briefly touched on it at the beginning of this post. But, this has gotten way longer than I planned, so I am gonna save that for tomorrow night's post which is guaranteed to be a fucking blockbuster because I will either being going on two days with no sleep, which should be interesting (my record is 46 hours straight, back when I worked 3^rd shift and the weekend started at 7 am on a Friday morning and didn't end until sometime on Sunday) or I will be semi-rested and maybe more coherent. So until next time….Namaste my friends. Or as ODB would say, "Peace bitches!"